>>53918030It doesn’t really matter what’s wrong with me. What people need to understand is that what the problem is isn’t inherently life ruining. It’s how people treat you for it. Ever watch The Twilight Zone? The Eye of the Beholder episode illustrates that point. This beautiful woman is sickened and ashamed of her appearance because in the world she’s in, she IS ugly, because that’s what people in that world see her as. I’ve spent my whole life as the acceptable target and if I fire back, I’m the only bad guy.
It could be literally anything. If for some reason the whole world decided that people with moles on their nose were funny to laugh at, mock, find unattractive, bully, and be treated as inferior to people without moles on their nose, it would eventually make everyone feel the way I do about it. I’m the absence of other people, you don’t develop shame and insecurity about things. That’s my point. My entire life I’ve been put down, mocked, laughed at, seen as not good enough, seen as incapable, seen as incompetent, seen as less than and less attractive.
Look up the halo effect. Desirable physical features make you attractive and people are more likely to think you’re nice and smart. Your appearance has an enormous effect on your quality of life.
It’s hard to say anything other than I’m tired. It’s frustrating. I hate having a 100% rejection rate, I hate hearing how I’m not good enough. I hate being treated like a sideshow attraction. It’s left me bitter, jaded, cynical, and nihilistic.
Honestly, I’ve been fighting myself to not become cold, detached, and heartless for a while, but I get tired of showing people the kindness and understanding not a single person has ever shown me.
Belief isn’t a choice. You can’t choose to believe you can fly, I can’t choose to believe that despite my entire life, I’m actually worth something.
