>>65501097>>65502843(me)
Just finished reading, I enjoyed the story and how you presented the relationship over time. I would say your strongest showing is actually the lifestyle of rebellious teens with access to alcohol and parties. You also nail how a dude and chick best friend kinda get on in high school, I would kinda know, since for better or worse, I had a girl best friend through that entire period of my life that I would get into trouble with, and we would both support each other as we dated other people. Now for some more technical stuff.
I did notice some grammar mistakes here and there like:
“Yo bro. Do you have math’s notes? I'll let you my GameClear”. - You probably mean lend. you mess the tempo, the can lost forever. - mess up the tempo, or miss the tempo, either works.
But good doesn't last forever, because Mori takes off her earphones and walks next to you. - she walked next to you while she was laying down?“I-I dont know how to kiss…and yo-and you told me that you made up with Fuwawa Abyssgard”. - like this was meant to be make out? Also lucky bastard. I want to make out with the backseating demon dog. Even though it was a lie, I want to kiss mococo on the cheek anyway. But in regards to this part in general, good fucking job showing how simple acts bubble up to something bigger in this point of our lives.Originary from Bolgun, - Originally The guilt twists once more. Good what a good girl, why couldn't you love her back?. - Probably meant God what a good girlThere were some others here and there, but not any that made me scratch my head trying to decipher what you were trying to say, just small mistakes here and there.
I also feel the earlier parts of the fic read a little stiffly, like actions and descriptors are kinda delivered as very matter of fact if that makes sense. Some of it lacks a smoothness I can't articulate properly. That kinda corrects itself later one, and the prose becomes more free flowing. Hope this didn't come off as too nitpicky.
It felt nice to watch you and cali go on this confusing journey with one another, and I think you nailed a good characterization of the reaper herself. How you fleshed out the family and their reactions to their kids was also great to see. I think the Iroha subplot could have used a little more meat, just to more so showcase how you treated the possible best girlfriend you ever had before mori, and give an idea how the dynamic played into the relationship with your best friend. Even when someone says they're understanding of your best friend being the opposite sex from you, there's still a bit of uncertainty and even feeling threatened by the best friend when you are trying to date one another. It's a powerful tool for getting some tasty drama in there, and even helping the relationship between your two best friend characters grow as a result of it.
Nice job taking that prompt and running even farther with it.
