>>7929629Was today tense? I don't really recall, I remember the ups and the downs but I don't feel bad at all. I'm not unhappy at all but maybe I'm leveling with the reality of the world around me right now. My words exactly that I gave to him this evening when he told me that I felt disconnected...
I'm noticing myself flip from being really happy and engaged to swinging into a pit of a dull, ringing sting in the back of my head and I think you noticed it too. I'm working on the swings but I don't really know what more I can do besides find the source of them and if that's even something I can remedy afterwards. I know that it's because of how strongly I feel about you; I only have intense feelings when I'm tied to someone or something but how do I really fix them in a healthy way? I've had the last two days where I've been plagued by the pendulum, worried about our future because I can't control any of it really and I know that; maybe that's why I'm so high-strung. Maybe, I have to lay myself bare again like I used to do and let hell break loose if that is destined to happen. Is that a positive trait? To be able to stare into the void, see danger coming and put your guard down when you know there's nothing you can do or is there always a way to avoid or conquer it? I've done both and I don't know which version of myself I enjoy more.
I was happy to finally be able to lay with my sweetheart tonight again; that brings joy to my heart. I'm a little upset with myself for not noticing that I was making his day worse by being hyper-focused or maybe just overall disconnected. None of this was on purpose and I'm sorry honey. I'm sorry for calling you a freak, I went a little too far, huh? Good night, I love you very much.
