>>37485954>the relationship is very rushed time wiseI guess I can see where you're coming from. I've found in my experience that mutual romantic interest and relationships can develop very quickly sometimes, especially when you see that person five days a week, which is what I tried to imply Ayame was doing with Anon. But you're right, for the sake of the story maybe enemies to lovers in a month was too quick. I don't know about a year since I wanted the story to be autumn themed, but maybe stretching it across three months would have been better.
>you had ayame vomit out her issues which kinda deflates her as a characterYeah, I was a bit iffy on that part too. I tried spacing the reveals of her backstory out, but they ended up being a couple info dumps and I couldn't think of a way to reveal them over time naturally.
>Also this is a personal gripe but aqua kinda adds nothing to the story aside from predictable drama, i personally would have looked into anon fighting with ayame and ignoring herFunny you should say this, those were ideas I had going in. Basically, there were two other ways this story could have gone, both of which I was seriously considering; the version i posted is the one out of three that won.
The first was a little less likely to happen, but to be blunt it was going to be NTR. The story up until chapter 4 would be the same, except Aqua would get more development and screen time. Then, you have a proper fight with Ayame where she feels bad but you're pissed off and ignore her, then proceed to ask Aqua out, to which she accepts as Ayame overhears your confession from behind a corner. Cue story ending with you ending up with Aqua as Ayame bawls her eyes out, depressed and regretful.
The second path was actually VERY close to being the final copy. Same story up until chapter 4, you have a fight with Ayame, she feels bad, you get pissed and ignore her, then you go and ask Aqua out. Aqua actually rejects you, saying she doesn't like you that way, causing you to fall into a depression as Ayame overhears your confession. As you sit on your knees, dejected, she approaches and tries to comfort you with a hug. In extreme pain, you tell her you want to have sex to distract yourself, that you'll let her cross off your name from that stupid list. Ayame refuses, despite wanting to fuck, saying that sex isn't what you need right now because she actually cares about your wellbeing. Cue a tamer Ayame spending time with you as you slowly get over Aqua and begin to fall for Ayame instead, eventually ending up with her.
The only reason I didn't pick this version was because it would have required a lot more words after the rejection for Anon's journey to come to love Ayame, and also because it might have made it seem Anon doesn't truly love Ayame because he loved Aqua first, and that she's only his rebound.
Anyway, thank you for the criticism, I'll keep it in mind. While Aqua was always going to lose to the main heroine, I was thinking that Ayame DID need something to spur her on and make her realise her feelings, or else she would have kept the same status quo.
Sorry about all the autism, I wanted to talk about the process this story went through before its completion.
