>>42244577It's still on the back burner for the most part to make space for other stories, and I only added a few hundred words to it because of a flash of inspiration birthed from the alternate nightmare chapter I'm also working on. Still, progress is progress.
>>42258714Alright so I just read this entire series, and... fuck. Despite the smut and overall premise itself being kinda boner-inducing(?), how fucked up it all is ultimately prevents me from getting off to it. It feels extremely wrong and evil, to the point where I don't think I can find it hot. Not that that's a bad thing mind you, strange as that may seem. From a narrative point of view I actually really enjoyed this because of how conflicted and disgusted it made me feel (but again, in a good way). It's definitely a unique experience and I find myself craving more. The highlights for me were the beginnings where present day Anon was going about his adult life. In particular I liked the beginning of chapter four where Anon goes clubbing. As an introvert (mostly), I fucking felt that. I resonated with the way he felt about the situation, especially for when I'm not in the mood.
I do have a few criticisms, like your tense switches to start off with. I didn't seem to notice it in the earlier chapters but at the beginning of chapter four, despite most of the story being told in past tense there's a few present tense sentences and verbs.
>crowds of people swarm by. Someone from your group signals everyone to follow him and you make your way to a cramped table.>“Come on!” Another one chimes in.>Groups of all ages are passing by, from high schoolers, college students and people in office getups. The air smells a lot fresher here, untouched by the filth of the club you just were in. It’s not going to be like that forever, you figure, so you take a deep breath and let it fill your lungs. A nice, refreshing breath...>Fresh air is a relative term, you realize.As I said I didn't notice it unless I paid proper attention, so it wasn't glaring. One thing that struck me as strange was Anon not knowing how to read, yet it was mentioned that "a girl from his class" had said something to him, implying he goes to school. Unless I missed something I highly doubt someone could go to school for that long and not be taught how to read. Other than that it was just a couple of grammar mistakes and occasionally it was a bit hard to tell who was talking in a conversation.
Nice job, Anon. Thank you for brining something fresh to the table. I both love it and absolutely despise it... in a good way.
GOD, I want every character from every /wg/ story to come together and beat the ever-loving SHIT out of Hana. Holy fuck.