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My whole life has been on auto pilot and it feels like I haven't done anything, even though on paper I am ahead of my peers.
In school, I did not push myself at all, just coasted through with average grades. I skipped uni of fear it will be the same - I will just daydream in lectures and then go home. Am decent with computers because I spend all my waking moment tinkering with them so got a good job despite that anyway. Worked for a couple of years, got promoted a couple of times, moved out of my parents, bought a car, soon I will buy my own apartment too. But it seems so pointless. I just stay home all day, work couple of hours then waste away watching TV shows.
Feels like everything just happens to me and I did not "earn" it, so my achievements do not feel like such at all. My job has been fully remote ever since I was hired, so I don't really talk to people, my social skills are actually terrible, I had only one very close friend that I cut off recently. I am currently 25, never had a girlfriend, and I would like to get one to see how a relationship would feel, but I don't even know if I manage to get one somehow - what to do with her. I feel like I am very boring and we will have very little to talk about. More worrying is I have noticed recently I don't really have friends also, while in school I had people I was talking to daily but after we graduated they all went away.
I know getting to know more people may be a partial solution to the stuff that worries me but I have no idea how to start now, as I have been self isolating my whole life, and for the past 5 or so years it has gotten way worse as I am not in school anymore so I never talk to people at all. I tried going to work at the office and talking to some colleagues IRL but I stumble over my words, I over analyze stuff I want to say and by the time I am ready to say it the subject has changed... Just feels awful to be so bad at socializing at 25, so I avoid trying, which will probably lead to worse..
